Tell Your Story

I'm a sexual abuse survivor. 

Those are words not many people say out loud too often. I did not say those words for many years. Not because it wasn’t true, but because they were too difficult to put together.

I somehow thought if I never said it, if I never thought about it, then it never happened.
I was doing myself a great injustice thinking that way.

I knew healing had taken place when I could speak about it, my voice would no longer catch, and the words no longer got caught in my throat.

Accepting what happened was a part of what made me who I am today and brought me to be able to say, “I’m a survivor.”

The word in that sen- tence that stands out to me is “survivor.”
When I say I’m a sexual abuse survivor, not only am I no longer ashamed, I’m proud.

Not everyone knows how much he or she can endure and still walk away, but I do. I know I’m a survivor. That is a gift, regardless of how I received it. Healing and acceptance can be a long journey after sexual abuse. Forgiveness precedes them both. 

It is an emotionally taxing road. I think that is why it’s easier to forget, to pretend it never happened.

But I found it wasn’t possible to simply forget. It ate at me, warped parts of my life and parts of my soul because that experience was a part of me, whether I liked it or not. The first step in the journey to healing is talking. Sexual abuse is actually very common. I think one reason it continues is because we don’t talk about it. 

It doesn’t have to be a professional that you talk to, although it certainly can be. It doesn’t even have to be a loved one or a close friend. It just needs to be someone who will listen to the story.

If you have a story, tell it. Tell it over and over again, until you no longer feel the need. 

Each telling is one step closer to forgiveness, one step closer to acceptance and one step closer to healing.

I am proud of who I am today, and I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t been through everything I’ve been through.

Carl Jung once wrote: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

That is how I look at my sexual abuse. It happened to me, but it does not define me.

My ability to survive and heal is what defines me. I had no control over the abuse taking place, but I do have control over how I react to it. I can either choose to let it continue to hurt me, or I can choose to use it as a stepping stone.

There are many resources available to sexual abuse survivors; even just starting a conversation in an online forum can begin a path to healing.

As a writer, I found writing out my experience and my feel- ings to people who had been in similar situations was the most healing. Online forums were a wonderful tool for me.

No matter the severity of the act, abuse is abuse; no one should pretend it didn’t happen because it wasn’t bad enough.

Many resources for sexual abuse survivors can be found at www.rainn.org. 

For Sexual Harassment Assault Response and Prevention support, locally and at Fort Riley, call 785-307-9338. Military Family Life consul- tants also can be reached at 785-221-9483.

I hope all sexual abuse survivors can one day make the statement with a sense of pride behind the words, instead of shame. 

(This commentary appeared in the April 11 edition of the First Infantry Division Post, which can be accessed at: http://thedailyunion.epaperflip.com/1st-Infantry-Division-Post/2014-04-11/)

To love...

I remember the first Valentine's Day I knew my husband, we were not quite an exclusive couple yet and I had a terrible day.

I left work that evening to find a teddy bear and chocolate in my car from him. That was just one of probably a million thoughtful things he has done in an effort to make me smile over the years. I can probably count the 'romantic' things on my fingers lol, but they usually aren't the things that have meant the most anyway.

I remember quite clearly being so touched when he randomly paid for my gas for me (you know back when you still had to go inside to do it lol) back when we were just dating and still in high school. And when he went through roles of film (yup digital cameras were still very new) taking the same picture of me smiling in the hospital over and over again after Jazlyn was born.  They are terrible photos of me, yet he loves every one of them.

Those little moments he likely thought very little of at the time, yet they have reflected who he really is and how he really feels deep down. I wish everyone could experience a love like that at least once in their lifetime, I believe it would have the power to change the world. I know it has had the power to make me a better person.

To love is not to make grand gestures. To love is to want to put in the effort grand gestures require. The effort is the part that matters, not the gesture. Real love effort can show up in many ways, may we all see it when it does, especially today.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Going big for balance

Last year I chose a theme for the upcoming year for the first time in my life.

It was unintentional at first, I was contemplating trying to graduate with my associate's degree by the end of the year (2013) and I asked my trusty facebook friends if I should go big? The response was 'go big or go home' and deep down I knew I agreed. So I went big and signed up for as many classes as I was allowed to take.

Whenever I felt I had too much piled on top of me I'd just silently remind myself that I was going big and it would be worth it. I even used  hash tags on twitter. #GoingBigIn2013 #PriceOfGoingBigIn2013

I managed to maintain a 4.0, and 6 months into the year I felt that going big in 2013 was pretty successful. I saw my graduation on the horizon.

Without realizing it though I had limited my notion of going big to my school work.......the purpose for going to school is generally to be able to work the job of your choosing.

Half way through 2013, that job fell into my lap (well at least nearby). And I had a decision to make.....do I go for it and abandon my ever so close finish line of graduation? Or do I stay the course since I had already made up my mind that I would get my associates degree and then start job searching again.

So I went big.


And again it paid off, and now I'm doing a job in a feild I actually want to pursue. Not just a job, but a career.

I'm not going to say that everything that happened this year was a direct result of my declarative theme for the year, but I certainly think having a focus for my energy made a significant impact.

Going big required a lot of sacrifices (like sleep, housework), which I felt was worth it in order to quickly acheieve a substantial goal. However my situation is different going into 2014.

Many signs in my life in the past few months have pointed to the fact that I need to find balance. Both inner and outer. I've always been pretty good at going for something with reckless abdandon, but I've struggled with maintaining once I get there.

So that will be my theme going into this next year. Balance. Accomplishments are great but I want to concentrate on enjoying my life whlie also working hard. I have many years ahead of me in which I need to keep working, going to school and enjoy my daughters while they are still growing.

In true irony that only life could throw at me, I will likely be through with all of my studies when my girls are through with being at home. I feel like this keeps coming up for me because it is a lesson I need to learn. I intend to get to it in 2014.

So I've went big, now I'm going to try to bring more balance into my life.

Cheers!

Onward.....

Never ignore what your intuition is saying to you.  Just when I thought I had imagined the feeling of spring bringing something new......something new found it's way to me.

So I was right, in a far different way than I would've thought.  I figured the change would come through Jason somehow.  The change came through me, and as a planner I wasn't expecting that because well I had laid out my plans through the rest of the year, doing as much school work as possible lol.  Seems like life enjoys changing my well laid out plans, but not much happens until I make plans either so I guess I need to remember to stay flexible.

Late spring/early summer I learned of a job opening and felt it was something I should try for, and again my intuition was correct as I am now gainfully employed as a reporter for the local newspaper.

I searched for a job for about 4 months and with zero feedback I decided to do something else and take advantage of a scholarship program through a local community college.  At first I just took a couple classes and tried to keep looking for a job.  Then I started doing the math on credits and decided to dive in head first and take as many classes as possible and gave up the job search.

To my pleasant surprise I didn't lose my knack for academics and made the president's list.  Life changed with so much homework to be done, I got a lot less sleep, and did a lot less housework lol.

Then this job fell into my lap and life is taking another upside down turn.  And this isn't just a job.....it's the first (paid) step in a career path that I've been carefully contemplating for a very long time.  Now that I'm a reporter I'm still a little astonished that I'm being paid to write.  I'm not making a ton of money, but it's still more than I've ever made before.

To make it even more unbelievable I work with an office of really supportive and nice people.  I generally spend much of my time feeling like this is a great job, and feeling like I'm not quite up to par lol.

Then there is the dance of working mom.  Though in truth I haven't been a real stay at home mom in a few years.  I was volunteering full time and then going to school more than full time so juggling a family and other work isn't new to me.  However before, everything I did was optional.  If I really didn't want to go and do something I didn't have to.  If my kids were sick I could prioritize accordingly.  This job does have a great amount of flexibility to it which just adds to a long list of things I love about it but it's still a job.  Showing up isn't really optional if I want to keep it and if I want to cultivate a career.

I cannot remember  very many times I took advantage of the optional aspect of volunteering or school lol but it was nice knowing that option was there.  No matter how hard I try to be a 'modern woman' deep down I still feel the kids are MY responsibility in the end.  Though the more I let go of that the more my terrific husband steps in, and he does it with no complaints.  So it's clearly an issue I have, not one that's being imposed on me.

Two weeks into my job and I'm tired, feel like I'm struggling to tread water, but I'm also learning a ton.  I feel like I'm getting the nuts and bolts down, but I'll feel better when I'm working on the more advanced aspects of the job.  Baby steps right?

Something New.....

Spring.


It seems my big life changes happen in the spring.  It was in the spring that I first moved out on my own.  And it was in the spring when I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  It was in the spring my husband left to sign up for the Army, and it was in the spring that we found out we were moving overseas.


Spring always feels like possibilities to me.  I love the fall, but spring is my favorite.  It just seems to hint at what could be.  It reminds me that there is more potential to be harnessed.


And so this is how I'm feeling this spring as it is just barely getting started.  Life is about to change.  I'm not really sure exactly how yet, but I feel it coming.


Welcome spring.

So Full

This blog entry has been started and abandoned over a dozen times.  Some things are just too close to your heart I guess, even for me.

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important onces. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to… No matter how it comes out, I have to write it."

- Sylvia Plath

As the year comes to a close and the holidays are upon us I think it's the perfect time to reflect on the last year.  So much has happened, but at the end of every year I feel like that I guess lol.  The year started off with Jason coming home, long awaited through many other homecomings, it was finally ours.  Things have gone better than well this time around, none of my fears have been realized, I don't think I've ever been happier.  My life is so full, my family is whole, we are back in the US, the girls are thriving and I'm going back to school.  It feels like a dream some days.  

I am a reactive person, I have to let things happen before I can deal with them, usually in the middle of everything I am numb and on auto pilot, only to have a flood of emotion days, weeks, or months later, pending how big the reaction is.  So many great things have happened this year and not to be repetitive but the greatest is having Jason home.  It's like I forgot how loud his absence was until now when he's here.  The simplest things, like pulling out the Christmas decorations are so strikingly different with him here, and I realize it's because he wasn't here last time and his presence just fills up all the empty space that was there before.  He connects all of the strings between us, completing our home and our family.  I can't even really properly describe it.

Yet as full as my life feels there are these dark empty places in my heart.  I left not one but two families behind this year. I had to say good bye twice to people I love enough to do anything for.  The first being my first generation Army family.  As I am getting to know my second generation Army family I ache for the ones I left behind.  Germany was such a transformation for me.  I didn't come back the same person.  I also left part of my heart there.  The spouses I worked with, the soldiers that they loved, and the people in the community have left me forever changed.  I just can't express what those relationships and experiences have meant to me.  

We left Germany and went 'home' for six weeks and I got to be part of my natural family again for the first time in years and oh how I missed them.  The people who know me as "Messy Jessi" and remember the girl who loved books more than anything in the world.  I could feel my absence from the previous years, and suddenly I didn't know what made sense anymore.  One foot in one world and one foot in another.  I thought nothing would feel stranger than living on American soil in a foreign country but I was wrong.  I thought about how much would change between then and the next visit and realized the reality of not being there.  I love our Army life but it comes at a price.

I feel conflicted sometimes being incredibly happy and having a sadness deep down......but I think the sadness makes the happiness possible.  I wouldn't appreciate so many little things if I hadn't felt their absence. Culture shock goes far beyond forgetting there's 24hr Wal Marts and entertaining commercials.   Now the most beautiful sight in the world is my husband asleep on the couch, it sat empty for so long I can't help but smile when he takes up half of it even if I can't wake him up to come to bed.  I see it in the girls too.  Daddy leaving means a lot more now, when will Daddy come back?  Daddy I love you and having you home, Daddy I'll miss you while you're in the field.  They have learned to appreciate.  They ask when we will go back to Maryland, when is Grammy/Gran-Gran/Uncle Russell/Uncle Steve coming to visit?  When will Miss Amanda and Layla move to the states?  Can we visit Chloe in Colorado?  The best things in life don't come easily.  I'm so proud of those girls I could cry.  They give meaning to every tear I've shed and every smile I've forced.  I couldn't be happier.  I am so full.

Welcome, Welcome

It only took 2 weeks into 2012 before it began to shine as a wonderful year.  My husband returned from Afghanistan.  This being our 2nd deployment, we had gone through reintegration once before.  It was tough, much tougher than I had anticipated.  So naturally this time I held my breath a little.....prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best.  Hope won out.  While we're still in the reintegration phase, this time is going so smooth.  Last time I knew things weren't going so great from the very beginning.  I'm not sure if we've grown since last time, or if it's just experience helping us out.  I like to think it's a little of both.

There will be a lot of welcoming in store for us this year.....and also good byes.  Just after we finish sailing through the reintegration phase, we'll be preparing to leave Germany, our first duty station.  I am excited to go back to America, back to my home.  But there is much I leave behind in Germany too, I am grateful for all I have experienced here, the memories and friends made will not soon be forgotten (some never will be).

It's the before transition that reminds me why this life is so well suited for us.  We are excited to move on, excited for a new place and new experiences, all of us, even the girls.  We have all enjoyed living in Germany, I sit and admire the strength and adaptability of our little family.  Living overseas and going through 2 deployments and really living the Army life here has gelled us together like a team.

Every ending is also anew beginning welcome new adventures, welcome to a new chapter in life.

On The Cusp

There is something about the end of a deployment that is a paradox. The end can feel so much longer than the rest of the deployment. You would think it would be easier since you are so much closer to being done. And as you start getting closer it is, because you can think I've done 285 days.........what's 65 more? Or whatever the numbers are.

But right at the end, right as you are on top of that homecoming, suddenly emotions flood you. Little things become big deals, you're nervous, excited, sad, and irritable all at the same time. It's a surge of emotion that mirrors after the deployment first begins. I think at that point, when you're so close the waiting becomes unbearable and so a person might drum up things to distract them, things to be mad about, sad about, nervous about. Impossible deadlines for preparations (that the soldier rarely really cares about anyway). It's just so much pressure, and often fear of the unknown.

I was talking about it today with my husband and I told him I think it's that you put so much emotion away so you can cope during the whole of the deployment that when you get close to the end, it all starts hitting you at once. I know last time he came home I wasn't school girl giddy the days leading up, I actually found something trivial to be overly angry about. My feelings weren't so harsh when it was time to get him but when I did get him, I didn't feel that 'honeymoon' feeling. I wasn't floating in the way I thought I would be. I suddenly just felt hugely relieved, like a huge weight was taken off of me.

Then comes the work. Yes a deployment is work, but it's work you can settle into and move with. Post deployment is a different kind of work. You have to reconcile with what was, what happened and what is. You have to merge 2 worlds again, 2 worlds that are forever altered in some way. It's usually not very easy, and often quite a bumpy ride. Time, patience and honesty are your best friends in that process. There is little else that will truly help.

For more on the emotional cycle of deployments check this out:

http://www.military.com/spouse/content/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/emotional-cycle-of-deployment-military-family.html

Though filled with it's own challenges, being on the cusp is a set of challenges I think almost any military spouse of a deployed service member would gladly welcome. The only way out is through.

Count Your Blessings: How to keep a happy face.

It's Christmas.

My husband's deployed, I'm in Germany.

I have 2 little girls that I need to make Christmas magical for......I have no family around me, many of my friends are busy welcoming their soldier home, or visiting family. There are soldiers coming home left and right that need a warm smile and welcome home that I help provide at every homecoming ceremony.

How do you keep that smile? How are you happy for others in the season of love when your love and family are no where near you and not on their way?

I keep getting asked 'how are you doing this?'

I'm not a saint, and trust me if you ask my husband jealousy is one of my big downfalls lol. I'd be lying if I said there was no sadness in me, that I didn't wish circumstances could be different. I wish I wasn't alone and trying to be all things at once, but wishing doesn't change what is.

Instead of thinking of all I don't have and what others might have that I don't, I choose to focus on what I do have. There is so much in life that we are not guaranteed. I could have so much less. My life could know so much more pain than it does. When I wake up in the morning there are 2 smiles, hugs and I love yous that greet me. I rarely go to the bathroom alone because I have a dog that loves me so much he won't leave my side.....ever. I have a warm bed, a kitchen full of food, presents under the tree and a bank account that's not in the red. Things could be worse. I could be away from my children, wife and family sleeping in a tent in a war zone for Christmas. I could have to walk around with 60+ pounds of gear on. I could live in a 3rd world country starving and sleeping in a shack. I could be making a visit to Arlington this Christmas to see a soldier I'll never be able to touch again. But I'm not. And for that I owe it to all those that are enduring those circumstances to be grateful. When I look at my life through those lenses not only does it not seem sad or lonely, it seems full of love and abundance.

When I see soldiers come home to their loved ones, that's just what I see.........soldiers coming home, I don't see mine NOT coming home. I see it for what it is, one less blessed soul in a war zone, one more Daddy there to hug his child, one more husband or wife home to hug their spouse, one more son or daughter out of harms way making it so their mother can sleep at night again.

Hearing about sad news and witnessing it makes me sad, so why would happy news and events not make me happy? There is more joy in a homecoming ceremony than I think I have ever experienced anywhere else. Even my daughters who don't really understand why it's not their Daddy and it's someone else's, even they can't help but smile and ask me every morning "Mommy are we going to get to go to another homecoming today?".

That in itself makes my heart swell. Count your blessings and you won't be able to keep the smile off of your face, I promise.

I'm Just Tired

So Christmas is coming. We just had Thanksgiving so that's a sure sign. I've been looking forward to Christmas since Jason left before spring began. It's the last big thing before we get to start gearing up for him to return. The Christmas season for me marks the beginning of the end. I've been telling the girls for months, after Christmas, then we can start getting excited for Daddy to come home. But I'm not all that excited for Christmas. It's not a 'bah humbug' feeling. I don't want Christmas to go away or anything, I know how to have cheer and find happiness when my husband isn't here (doesn't stop me from missing him but sadly life does move on). The thought of decorations, shopping, presents, parties, dinners and friends makes me smile. The idea of Christmas coming and happening makes me very happy. The work involved to create the atmosphere, well, does not. Christmas as a single parent is a lot of work, it's a lot of work when there are 2 parents around actually. Christmas as a married but single spouse of a deployed soldier I think is even more work. I have all the kid/Christmas stuff here at home to do alone and I need to bake, wrap and send stuff to Afghanistan as well.....and being overseas I have to wrap and send back home to the states too. Not to mention trying to pull off a few nice things for my friends and fellow spouses here too. I want to do all of these things, but all of these things and normal life things and it being the last stretch of this deployment has me thinking.......can we just go buy ourselves stuff and call it a day?? It's not that my heart isn't happy, it's just that I'm tired. Kinda feel like this: Hopefully I'll find some inspiration & motivation because tired or not, Christmas is coming.

The new me (well the evolving me at least)

I think deployments mirror pregnancies in so many ways lol. No seriously. This time I'm reminded of the similarities in that each one is the same, (husband goes to war) yet feels so very different.

Last deployment, I wrote.....and wrote. I wrote and spilled out so many feelings and emotions that I felt the need to start a diary blog to contain it all. I also wrote publicly on a blog as well as on myspace and facebook accounts, not to mention my favorite online forum- Army Wife Chat (marriedtothearmy.com).

This time is different. I walked into this round with open eyes. Unlike last time I knew how cold the water would be, everything about this life was no longer new. I had my footing. I vowed to try and keep my emotions more under control and to always give the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst in a variety of situations (mostly the 'why hasn't he talked to me? he must not think I'm important' lol).

I have done something else different too, much to my surprise. I have lost weight, not just a few pounds, but like all the 'baby' weight I've been carrying around for 8 years. Today I officially hit 30 pounds gone. Though I'm not quite all the way back to the pre-baby me (that's not even possible after 10+ lb babies lol) I'm no longer over weight. I'd like to say that exercise and doing something positive for myself has helped me wrangle the emotional craziness inside me, but to be completely honest, I think it went the other way around. Concentrating on my emotional health and doing my best to not let negativity run away with me, finally let me love myself enough to be healthier, and more fit.

It's a different kind of loneliness to make such personal progress.......alone. I do share my triumphs with my husband but it's just not the same. In one hand, it's my journey with or without him here. But in the other it feels like I've shut him out of part of me since he's not here to share it? I'm still sorting it out. My inner optimist says this reintegration will be better because of the new me instead of harder. I hope she's right.

Vows

On our 5th wedding anniversary Jason and I renewed our vows.....in a castle. It was just him and I and our chaplain on a beautiful summer evening. We wrote our own vows and I think it's one of my best pieces of writing.

In tough times reading it gives me peace. They remind me of my promise to him, and why I made it. I wanted to share them here today.


You are not only my love, but you are also my friend.
Together we have shared the same ambitions.
We have seen disappointment and hardship
but also joy and triumph.
With you my life has only gotten better.

I promise to wipe your sadness away with my smile,
and your pain with my love and compassion.

I promise to be slow to anger,
but quick to offer understanding.

I promise to trust you completely,
and to also be trustworthy and loyal,
never being unfaithful
and always offering honesty.

I promise to cherish you
and make you my partner for life,
enjoying every moment we have together,
but to also be patient when duty calls you away.


A wise man once said:
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

I promise to continue looking in that same direction.

Family Portrait

So long story short it became the weekend project to take our own family pictures.

We spent most of the day playing with lighting, as I did test shot after test shot, it was quickly apparent that this was the chief concern. If the lighting wasn't right nothing else really mattered because the pictures wouldn't be good. I have huge windows in my living room and they actually provided too much natural light during the day, I had to wait until evening. I added several softer lamps to get light coming at us from all directions.

Then we had to figure out the best placement of the camera and tripod for the best angle.....I found the best angle was with the camera pointed down on us, just slightly higher than eye level from our sitting position. To accomplish this in the middle of my living room floor I used a pub height dining table chair with a small trunk on it. Putting the tripod (it's just a small one) on top.

We took a nice deep brown blanket and hung it on the wall behind where were going to pose. It made the lighting feel much warmer while making a nice backdrop to our pale skin without being a harsh contrast. It also coordinated with our clothing.

I read up on several articles on taking family portraits and do it yourself bloggers. I would encourage anyone who wanted to try this out for themselves to do so! I never dreamed we'd be so successful.

After 2 hours of shooting we had close to 200 pictures added to my memory card lol. I got right to work putting them on my computer to sift through and find the good ones. Then I did some editing to them and wow! I was super impressed with how well they turned out. It was absolutely worth all the work. My husband and girls were champs being patient as we worked out poses.

Here are a few of my favs:















We may never pay to have pictures done again lol. The great part is all the money we saved, but even better is that these pictures have more meaning, we took them, it was a great family experience.


I feel it is worth noting that while I don't have a point and shoot camera (nothing wrong with them though, there are some really great ones out there!) I don't have a super expensive camera either. I think mine was about $250, it's a fujifilm. I'm not really camera/photo savvy enough to be able to tell you why it's a good camera or not lol. But I think with enough playing around any decent camera could pull off some decent photos. There are some great free photo editors out there as well. These pics were edited with photobucket (http://photobucket.com/) but I also have found picasa from google (http://picasa.google.com/) and I think I like it better (you can pay to use premium tools through picnik as well which is pretty cool).

On Deck

Deployments are hard, separations are hard. I never expected them not to be, but what I didn't give much thought to was preparing for them.

I got a crash course in this just before basic training. What stands out in my mind was when my husband started getting out of bed in his sleep to go sleep on the couch. He was starting to prepare mentally and separate from me/us emotionally. It was difficult to deal with, at a time when I wanted to cling to him for all the time he would miss, he wanted to pull away to make the separation easier. The day he left for boot camp was one of the most emotional, saddest days of my life. I never expected it to hit me that hard.

So when deployment #1 came about I braced for the worst......but it was difficult to think of it in itself since we had just moved overseas and had not even settled in yet when he was set to leave. There wasn't much time to prepare and agonize over what was going to happen. There was simply gone. I was a bit more seasoned at him being gone at that point and it wasn't so scary like the first time.

With deployment #2 looming we had a lot of time to think and prepare. I was apprehensive not so much to the deployment but to the before time. I'm wise enough now to know that deployments and separations start affecting a family and marriage well before the good bye takes place. Largely I think we might be getting the hang of this, or maybe just me as I'm the emotional one. I have moments but if I didn't have at least that something would be wrong. I'm not clinging so much anymore and he's not pulling away so hard.

As I saw other families start the deployment I can't help but feel that even though I dreaded it......it was time to join them, time to do our part again. There is something about knowing you're not the only one and knowing you aren't alone that makes it infinitely more bearable. Kinda like soldiers form a bond and get through it together, spouses do as well. Not quite the same, but more in understanding that when we pass each other in everyday life we are all quietly facing the same struggle. It feels like my place is with them and not so much my husband anymore. I guess I am more ready than I realize.

I never knew that waited for me that day he left for basic, had I known it might have been easier to bear, but then that's part of the learning process. If I didn't know what it was like to face a good bye alone perhaps I wouldn't be able to appreciate my sisters in arms so much now.

To those of you already started and those of you on deck, we have each other and that is enough to get through.

Making Sense of the Senseless

I crave understanding.

It is built into who I am, it's not something I can turn off.

When I understand something I can deal with almost anything.

Sadly there are some things in life that you just can't really understand. No matter how hard you try you just can't make sense of it. I find many of these things pop up in the military life style.

I find myself asking 'why' quite a lot. Sometimes I get an answer and sometimes not so much. I'm sure my children understand even less than I do. In fact there is a lot my husband doesn't even understand, he usually cannot answer 'why' when I ask him with anything other than 'just because'. But that's a soldier for you. :)

These days the ability to understand the 'why' behind the events happening around me is diminishing quickly. Far too often for my liking I'm being told I have to endure something else unpleasant 'just because'. It is days like this me and the Army aren't such good friends.

I think it would be easier if I didn't try to understand........because then I could just blindly hate the Army. That is not the case, the truth is deep down I do know there are reasons behind everything they are asking of myself and my family, and even though I want to hate them, I simply cannot. So then I'm conflicted which creates more emotions in an already over emotional person haha. Then normal annoyances become much bigger annoyances until there's a meltdown over a change of plans, or dirty dishes in the sink (laugh all you want now, but it's a big deal at the time :-p).

Once a meltdown hits over something small I know it's time to sit down with myself and do 2 things in this order: 1) Have a good cry. 2) Force myself to rationally look at the situation and accept that I cannot control what goes on around me, I cannot change the course of events unfolding and sometimes it's ok not to understand everything, understanding myself and my emotions is an accomplishment enough.

I also find that finding something you CAN control is helpful, or slipping into a good book. It also doesn't hurt to repeat the serenity prayer to yourself once, twice or a hundred times......however many you need. ;-)

New Year, New Mountain

Forgive me for not wanting to celebrate it.

It's going to be a tough year.....it's our last year overseas, and well missing home is taking it's toll. We will also spend most of this year with our family apart. So my heart will have a home in 3 countries this year......and already I feel stretched a bit thin.


Trying to see the silver lining, I'm looking forward to some quiet time to myself. I'm quite grateful that I don't have any trouble being alone.....although I'd prefer it not be for quite so long but I digress......

At least I do know what's coming this year (well generally).....beyond that is still a mystery. Many roads to take and we haven't decided which one we want yet. Before this time next year I will know and can make a plan. Then I'll feel better, funny how having a plan can make you feel better even though everything might not go accordingly at all.........ah the illusion of control and the power it holds.

Yes I expect the New Year of 2012 to be much brighter, but in order to get there I must get through 2011, so onward and upward, time to climb the mountain.

Why it pays to read children's books

I fell in love with reading as a child. Right around the age of 8 or 9 books enchanted me. Suddenly I could leave my world behind me and see and experience things as someone else, many things I'd never encounter in my lifetime. Naturally fantasy has always been my favorite genre of books. There's just something doing/seeing the impossible that just enthralls me.


Since childhood it has not been uncommon for me to carry a book around. I did slack off on reading once I became the mother of 2 lol but especially since my oldest is reading herself now, I have tried to find more time to read too.



I still find fantasy children's books to be my favorite. I especially loved the Harry Potter series and I cannot wait till my girls and I can read them together. On our last library visit I spotted one of the HP follow up books "The Tales of Beatle the Bard" which is the collection of wizard fairy tales. I have been reading on it here and there, and since it's a relatively small book I've been carrying it around in my purse to read while I wait for various things.



Well Jazlyn's school had a literacy day this week and I wanted to attend since I haven't spent any time in her class at all yet this year. When I arrived the kids were all in front of a rocking chair with hot cocoa and blankets, ready to hear some stories. Then the teacher asked which parent would like to read first, luckily it wasn't me that was chosen first or second. I asked another mom if we were supposed to have brought a book to read and she told me yes, we were supposed to bring our favorite book to read to the kids (or a portion). Man! What a great opportunity for me to share a book that I like.......if only I had read the entire paper sent home though.......

As I sat there trying to figure out if I should just grab Jazlyn's copy of "How To Train Your Dragon" from her desk and read it occurred to me that I did bring a book! I quietly went into my bag and got out "The Tales of Beatle the Bard" and thumbed through which short wizard fairy tale I would read. I ended up sharing the "The Wizard and the Hopping Pot" and quickly became aware that the writing wasn't quite on a 2nd grade level. I'm afraid the reading wasn't all that stellar as I tripped up a little on words because I kept substituting and paraphrasing to make it easier for the kids to understand.

But I think they liked it, especially the boys, they weren't so excited to hear a 'fairy tale' until I told them it was a wizard fairy tale and there were no princesses lol. That cheered them up, and the part about warts too I think. They even grasped the moral of the story was kindness.

That day I was very grateful that I chose to read children's books on my own. I am positive I will never stop.

The Advantage of Being Behind

So since I first stepped foot inside a school (or perhaps even before lol) I have known that I wanted to be well educated and go to college. During my younger years that's as advanced as the plan was.

At about age 14 I was inspired by law and decided I wanted to go to law school. The more I studied gov't and history the more sure of my decision I became. Of course life had different plans for me and I am quite content with the life I have but I am clearly behind on my academic goals. Though I have a wonderful marriage and 2 beautiful little girls to my credit I sadly only have a few college 'credits' to my name.

When the girls were babies I was too busy figuring out life as a mom and wife to stress over it too much. Life was a struggle for a while and I was more concerned with just holding everything together. Now that I am better suited to actually pursue my education I realize most of my peers are 100% done with theirs. I'm behind.

However for the longest time after high school I assumed I would be 'pre-law' (whatever that was lol) or just a political science or history major. While I do enjoy studying those subjects very much now that I have had some more working experience I realize those aren't the best field of study for me.

Because of work experience and volunteer experience I can clearly see I am quite adapt in business. I suppose it's true that your 20s are for finding yourself. After I uncovered this about myself (being adapt at business) I was suddenly happy I didn't waste years pursuing a major I would later not be 100% happy with.

There are certainly cons to being 'behind' but I have certainly found the silver lining and I think it's a pretty good one at that.

*This does not mean I will be starting school on any certain date, but it does mean the day I take it back up is coming sooner rather than later*

Fall Always Makes Me Think of Maine

I've always liked fall. Probably because I always loved going back to school.

It probably seems a bit early for a post about fall but today it certainly felt like fall, not late summer, definitely fall complete with needing jackets and closed toe shoes. It might warm up for a day or 2 here and there but mostly for Germany, fall is arriving.

As it does, the crisp cool air just has a smell to it and it never fails to take me back to the fall that Jason and I moved to Maine. It was so beautiful there and the New England area just felt like the place that fall is best experienced.

Every year when I experience this sensation of smelling fall in the air and being transported back to that year in Maine I feel a slight longing in my heart that tells me some day Jason and I will return. That longing never fails to remind me of the lessons he and I learned on that journey and the bond that was forged from that adventure. It certainly set the tone for our outlook on life for the future though we had no idea at the time.

So while I think it's Maine that I loved so much I have to wonder if it's what Maine represents for me that I love so much. Either way I still want to go back.

Vacation is Over

And now life sets back in.


School starts Monday. Jason left for the field today. Life moving forward.


While I'm very grateful for school starting (as are the girls too lol) Jason going to the field signals the start of the deployment rotation.

He lucked out of half of this field exercise so he won't be gone long. But the air was heavier for both of us as he finished packing up last night.

There are already talks of what getting packed to go 'downrange' and I already have dates on my calender for once he's gone. It's exciting making plans for myself but sad knowing they don't include him. The separation is starting.

I can't say I like much of this whole ordeal, but I hate this part.