The new me (well the evolving me at least)

I think deployments mirror pregnancies in so many ways lol. No seriously. This time I'm reminded of the similarities in that each one is the same, (husband goes to war) yet feels so very different.

Last deployment, I wrote.....and wrote. I wrote and spilled out so many feelings and emotions that I felt the need to start a diary blog to contain it all. I also wrote publicly on a blog as well as on myspace and facebook accounts, not to mention my favorite online forum- Army Wife Chat (marriedtothearmy.com).

This time is different. I walked into this round with open eyes. Unlike last time I knew how cold the water would be, everything about this life was no longer new. I had my footing. I vowed to try and keep my emotions more under control and to always give the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst in a variety of situations (mostly the 'why hasn't he talked to me? he must not think I'm important' lol).

I have done something else different too, much to my surprise. I have lost weight, not just a few pounds, but like all the 'baby' weight I've been carrying around for 8 years. Today I officially hit 30 pounds gone. Though I'm not quite all the way back to the pre-baby me (that's not even possible after 10+ lb babies lol) I'm no longer over weight. I'd like to say that exercise and doing something positive for myself has helped me wrangle the emotional craziness inside me, but to be completely honest, I think it went the other way around. Concentrating on my emotional health and doing my best to not let negativity run away with me, finally let me love myself enough to be healthier, and more fit.

It's a different kind of loneliness to make such personal progress.......alone. I do share my triumphs with my husband but it's just not the same. In one hand, it's my journey with or without him here. But in the other it feels like I've shut him out of part of me since he's not here to share it? I'm still sorting it out. My inner optimist says this reintegration will be better because of the new me instead of harder. I hope she's right.