On The Cusp

There is something about the end of a deployment that is a paradox. The end can feel so much longer than the rest of the deployment. You would think it would be easier since you are so much closer to being done. And as you start getting closer it is, because you can think I've done 285 days.........what's 65 more? Or whatever the numbers are.

But right at the end, right as you are on top of that homecoming, suddenly emotions flood you. Little things become big deals, you're nervous, excited, sad, and irritable all at the same time. It's a surge of emotion that mirrors after the deployment first begins. I think at that point, when you're so close the waiting becomes unbearable and so a person might drum up things to distract them, things to be mad about, sad about, nervous about. Impossible deadlines for preparations (that the soldier rarely really cares about anyway). It's just so much pressure, and often fear of the unknown.

I was talking about it today with my husband and I told him I think it's that you put so much emotion away so you can cope during the whole of the deployment that when you get close to the end, it all starts hitting you at once. I know last time he came home I wasn't school girl giddy the days leading up, I actually found something trivial to be overly angry about. My feelings weren't so harsh when it was time to get him but when I did get him, I didn't feel that 'honeymoon' feeling. I wasn't floating in the way I thought I would be. I suddenly just felt hugely relieved, like a huge weight was taken off of me.

Then comes the work. Yes a deployment is work, but it's work you can settle into and move with. Post deployment is a different kind of work. You have to reconcile with what was, what happened and what is. You have to merge 2 worlds again, 2 worlds that are forever altered in some way. It's usually not very easy, and often quite a bumpy ride. Time, patience and honesty are your best friends in that process. There is little else that will truly help.

For more on the emotional cycle of deployments check this out:

http://www.military.com/spouse/content/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/emotional-cycle-of-deployment-military-family.html

Though filled with it's own challenges, being on the cusp is a set of challenges I think almost any military spouse of a deployed service member would gladly welcome. The only way out is through.