Count Your Blessings: How to keep a happy face.

It's Christmas.

My husband's deployed, I'm in Germany.

I have 2 little girls that I need to make Christmas magical for......I have no family around me, many of my friends are busy welcoming their soldier home, or visiting family. There are soldiers coming home left and right that need a warm smile and welcome home that I help provide at every homecoming ceremony.

How do you keep that smile? How are you happy for others in the season of love when your love and family are no where near you and not on their way?

I keep getting asked 'how are you doing this?'

I'm not a saint, and trust me if you ask my husband jealousy is one of my big downfalls lol. I'd be lying if I said there was no sadness in me, that I didn't wish circumstances could be different. I wish I wasn't alone and trying to be all things at once, but wishing doesn't change what is.

Instead of thinking of all I don't have and what others might have that I don't, I choose to focus on what I do have. There is so much in life that we are not guaranteed. I could have so much less. My life could know so much more pain than it does. When I wake up in the morning there are 2 smiles, hugs and I love yous that greet me. I rarely go to the bathroom alone because I have a dog that loves me so much he won't leave my side.....ever. I have a warm bed, a kitchen full of food, presents under the tree and a bank account that's not in the red. Things could be worse. I could be away from my children, wife and family sleeping in a tent in a war zone for Christmas. I could have to walk around with 60+ pounds of gear on. I could live in a 3rd world country starving and sleeping in a shack. I could be making a visit to Arlington this Christmas to see a soldier I'll never be able to touch again. But I'm not. And for that I owe it to all those that are enduring those circumstances to be grateful. When I look at my life through those lenses not only does it not seem sad or lonely, it seems full of love and abundance.

When I see soldiers come home to their loved ones, that's just what I see.........soldiers coming home, I don't see mine NOT coming home. I see it for what it is, one less blessed soul in a war zone, one more Daddy there to hug his child, one more husband or wife home to hug their spouse, one more son or daughter out of harms way making it so their mother can sleep at night again.

Hearing about sad news and witnessing it makes me sad, so why would happy news and events not make me happy? There is more joy in a homecoming ceremony than I think I have ever experienced anywhere else. Even my daughters who don't really understand why it's not their Daddy and it's someone else's, even they can't help but smile and ask me every morning "Mommy are we going to get to go to another homecoming today?".

That in itself makes my heart swell. Count your blessings and you won't be able to keep the smile off of your face, I promise.

I'm Just Tired

So Christmas is coming. We just had Thanksgiving so that's a sure sign. I've been looking forward to Christmas since Jason left before spring began. It's the last big thing before we get to start gearing up for him to return. The Christmas season for me marks the beginning of the end. I've been telling the girls for months, after Christmas, then we can start getting excited for Daddy to come home. But I'm not all that excited for Christmas. It's not a 'bah humbug' feeling. I don't want Christmas to go away or anything, I know how to have cheer and find happiness when my husband isn't here (doesn't stop me from missing him but sadly life does move on). The thought of decorations, shopping, presents, parties, dinners and friends makes me smile. The idea of Christmas coming and happening makes me very happy. The work involved to create the atmosphere, well, does not. Christmas as a single parent is a lot of work, it's a lot of work when there are 2 parents around actually. Christmas as a married but single spouse of a deployed soldier I think is even more work. I have all the kid/Christmas stuff here at home to do alone and I need to bake, wrap and send stuff to Afghanistan as well.....and being overseas I have to wrap and send back home to the states too. Not to mention trying to pull off a few nice things for my friends and fellow spouses here too. I want to do all of these things, but all of these things and normal life things and it being the last stretch of this deployment has me thinking.......can we just go buy ourselves stuff and call it a day?? It's not that my heart isn't happy, it's just that I'm tired. Kinda feel like this: Hopefully I'll find some inspiration & motivation because tired or not, Christmas is coming.

The new me (well the evolving me at least)

I think deployments mirror pregnancies in so many ways lol. No seriously. This time I'm reminded of the similarities in that each one is the same, (husband goes to war) yet feels so very different.

Last deployment, I wrote.....and wrote. I wrote and spilled out so many feelings and emotions that I felt the need to start a diary blog to contain it all. I also wrote publicly on a blog as well as on myspace and facebook accounts, not to mention my favorite online forum- Army Wife Chat (marriedtothearmy.com).

This time is different. I walked into this round with open eyes. Unlike last time I knew how cold the water would be, everything about this life was no longer new. I had my footing. I vowed to try and keep my emotions more under control and to always give the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst in a variety of situations (mostly the 'why hasn't he talked to me? he must not think I'm important' lol).

I have done something else different too, much to my surprise. I have lost weight, not just a few pounds, but like all the 'baby' weight I've been carrying around for 8 years. Today I officially hit 30 pounds gone. Though I'm not quite all the way back to the pre-baby me (that's not even possible after 10+ lb babies lol) I'm no longer over weight. I'd like to say that exercise and doing something positive for myself has helped me wrangle the emotional craziness inside me, but to be completely honest, I think it went the other way around. Concentrating on my emotional health and doing my best to not let negativity run away with me, finally let me love myself enough to be healthier, and more fit.

It's a different kind of loneliness to make such personal progress.......alone. I do share my triumphs with my husband but it's just not the same. In one hand, it's my journey with or without him here. But in the other it feels like I've shut him out of part of me since he's not here to share it? I'm still sorting it out. My inner optimist says this reintegration will be better because of the new me instead of harder. I hope she's right.

Vows

On our 5th wedding anniversary Jason and I renewed our vows.....in a castle. It was just him and I and our chaplain on a beautiful summer evening. We wrote our own vows and I think it's one of my best pieces of writing.

In tough times reading it gives me peace. They remind me of my promise to him, and why I made it. I wanted to share them here today.


You are not only my love, but you are also my friend.
Together we have shared the same ambitions.
We have seen disappointment and hardship
but also joy and triumph.
With you my life has only gotten better.

I promise to wipe your sadness away with my smile,
and your pain with my love and compassion.

I promise to be slow to anger,
but quick to offer understanding.

I promise to trust you completely,
and to also be trustworthy and loyal,
never being unfaithful
and always offering honesty.

I promise to cherish you
and make you my partner for life,
enjoying every moment we have together,
but to also be patient when duty calls you away.


A wise man once said:
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

I promise to continue looking in that same direction.

Family Portrait

So long story short it became the weekend project to take our own family pictures.

We spent most of the day playing with lighting, as I did test shot after test shot, it was quickly apparent that this was the chief concern. If the lighting wasn't right nothing else really mattered because the pictures wouldn't be good. I have huge windows in my living room and they actually provided too much natural light during the day, I had to wait until evening. I added several softer lamps to get light coming at us from all directions.

Then we had to figure out the best placement of the camera and tripod for the best angle.....I found the best angle was with the camera pointed down on us, just slightly higher than eye level from our sitting position. To accomplish this in the middle of my living room floor I used a pub height dining table chair with a small trunk on it. Putting the tripod (it's just a small one) on top.

We took a nice deep brown blanket and hung it on the wall behind where were going to pose. It made the lighting feel much warmer while making a nice backdrop to our pale skin without being a harsh contrast. It also coordinated with our clothing.

I read up on several articles on taking family portraits and do it yourself bloggers. I would encourage anyone who wanted to try this out for themselves to do so! I never dreamed we'd be so successful.

After 2 hours of shooting we had close to 200 pictures added to my memory card lol. I got right to work putting them on my computer to sift through and find the good ones. Then I did some editing to them and wow! I was super impressed with how well they turned out. It was absolutely worth all the work. My husband and girls were champs being patient as we worked out poses.

Here are a few of my favs:















We may never pay to have pictures done again lol. The great part is all the money we saved, but even better is that these pictures have more meaning, we took them, it was a great family experience.


I feel it is worth noting that while I don't have a point and shoot camera (nothing wrong with them though, there are some really great ones out there!) I don't have a super expensive camera either. I think mine was about $250, it's a fujifilm. I'm not really camera/photo savvy enough to be able to tell you why it's a good camera or not lol. But I think with enough playing around any decent camera could pull off some decent photos. There are some great free photo editors out there as well. These pics were edited with photobucket (http://photobucket.com/) but I also have found picasa from google (http://picasa.google.com/) and I think I like it better (you can pay to use premium tools through picnik as well which is pretty cool).

On Deck

Deployments are hard, separations are hard. I never expected them not to be, but what I didn't give much thought to was preparing for them.

I got a crash course in this just before basic training. What stands out in my mind was when my husband started getting out of bed in his sleep to go sleep on the couch. He was starting to prepare mentally and separate from me/us emotionally. It was difficult to deal with, at a time when I wanted to cling to him for all the time he would miss, he wanted to pull away to make the separation easier. The day he left for boot camp was one of the most emotional, saddest days of my life. I never expected it to hit me that hard.

So when deployment #1 came about I braced for the worst......but it was difficult to think of it in itself since we had just moved overseas and had not even settled in yet when he was set to leave. There wasn't much time to prepare and agonize over what was going to happen. There was simply gone. I was a bit more seasoned at him being gone at that point and it wasn't so scary like the first time.

With deployment #2 looming we had a lot of time to think and prepare. I was apprehensive not so much to the deployment but to the before time. I'm wise enough now to know that deployments and separations start affecting a family and marriage well before the good bye takes place. Largely I think we might be getting the hang of this, or maybe just me as I'm the emotional one. I have moments but if I didn't have at least that something would be wrong. I'm not clinging so much anymore and he's not pulling away so hard.

As I saw other families start the deployment I can't help but feel that even though I dreaded it......it was time to join them, time to do our part again. There is something about knowing you're not the only one and knowing you aren't alone that makes it infinitely more bearable. Kinda like soldiers form a bond and get through it together, spouses do as well. Not quite the same, but more in understanding that when we pass each other in everyday life we are all quietly facing the same struggle. It feels like my place is with them and not so much my husband anymore. I guess I am more ready than I realize.

I never knew that waited for me that day he left for basic, had I known it might have been easier to bear, but then that's part of the learning process. If I didn't know what it was like to face a good bye alone perhaps I wouldn't be able to appreciate my sisters in arms so much now.

To those of you already started and those of you on deck, we have each other and that is enough to get through.

Making Sense of the Senseless

I crave understanding.

It is built into who I am, it's not something I can turn off.

When I understand something I can deal with almost anything.

Sadly there are some things in life that you just can't really understand. No matter how hard you try you just can't make sense of it. I find many of these things pop up in the military life style.

I find myself asking 'why' quite a lot. Sometimes I get an answer and sometimes not so much. I'm sure my children understand even less than I do. In fact there is a lot my husband doesn't even understand, he usually cannot answer 'why' when I ask him with anything other than 'just because'. But that's a soldier for you. :)

These days the ability to understand the 'why' behind the events happening around me is diminishing quickly. Far too often for my liking I'm being told I have to endure something else unpleasant 'just because'. It is days like this me and the Army aren't such good friends.

I think it would be easier if I didn't try to understand........because then I could just blindly hate the Army. That is not the case, the truth is deep down I do know there are reasons behind everything they are asking of myself and my family, and even though I want to hate them, I simply cannot. So then I'm conflicted which creates more emotions in an already over emotional person haha. Then normal annoyances become much bigger annoyances until there's a meltdown over a change of plans, or dirty dishes in the sink (laugh all you want now, but it's a big deal at the time :-p).

Once a meltdown hits over something small I know it's time to sit down with myself and do 2 things in this order: 1) Have a good cry. 2) Force myself to rationally look at the situation and accept that I cannot control what goes on around me, I cannot change the course of events unfolding and sometimes it's ok not to understand everything, understanding myself and my emotions is an accomplishment enough.

I also find that finding something you CAN control is helpful, or slipping into a good book. It also doesn't hurt to repeat the serenity prayer to yourself once, twice or a hundred times......however many you need. ;-)

New Year, New Mountain

Forgive me for not wanting to celebrate it.

It's going to be a tough year.....it's our last year overseas, and well missing home is taking it's toll. We will also spend most of this year with our family apart. So my heart will have a home in 3 countries this year......and already I feel stretched a bit thin.


Trying to see the silver lining, I'm looking forward to some quiet time to myself. I'm quite grateful that I don't have any trouble being alone.....although I'd prefer it not be for quite so long but I digress......

At least I do know what's coming this year (well generally).....beyond that is still a mystery. Many roads to take and we haven't decided which one we want yet. Before this time next year I will know and can make a plan. Then I'll feel better, funny how having a plan can make you feel better even though everything might not go accordingly at all.........ah the illusion of control and the power it holds.

Yes I expect the New Year of 2012 to be much brighter, but in order to get there I must get through 2011, so onward and upward, time to climb the mountain.