Spring.
It seems my big life changes happen in the spring. It was in the spring that I first moved out on my own. And it was in the spring when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. It was in the spring my husband left to sign up for the Army, and it was in the spring that we found out we were moving overseas.
Spring always feels like possibilities to me. I love the fall, but spring is my favorite. It just seems to hint at what could be. It reminds me that there is more potential to be harnessed.
And so this is how I'm feeling this spring as it is just barely getting started. Life is about to change. I'm not really sure exactly how yet, but I feel it coming.
Welcome spring.
So Full
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This blog entry has been started and abandoned over a dozen times. Some things are just too close to your heart I guess, even for me.
"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important onces. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to… No matter how it comes out, I have to write it."
- Sylvia Plath
As the year comes to a close and the holidays are upon us I think it's the perfect time to reflect on the last year. So much has happened, but at the end of every year I feel like that I guess lol. The year started off with Jason coming home, long awaited through many other homecomings, it was finally ours. Things have gone better than well this time around, none of my fears have been realized, I don't think I've ever been happier. My life is so full, my family is whole, we are back in the US, the girls are thriving and I'm going back to school. It feels like a dream some days.
I am a reactive person, I have to let things happen before I can deal with them, usually in the middle of everything I am numb and on auto pilot, only to have a flood of emotion days, weeks, or months later, pending how big the reaction is. So many great things have happened this year and not to be repetitive but the greatest is having Jason home. It's like I forgot how loud his absence was until now when he's here. The simplest things, like pulling out the Christmas decorations are so strikingly different with him here, and I realize it's because he wasn't here last time and his presence just fills up all the empty space that was there before. He connects all of the strings between us, completing our home and our family. I can't even really properly describe it.
Yet as full as my life feels there are these dark empty places in my heart. I left not one but two families behind this year. I had to say good bye twice to people I love enough to do anything for. The first being my first generation Army family. As I am getting to know my second generation Army family I ache for the ones I left behind. Germany was such a transformation for me. I didn't come back the same person. I also left part of my heart there. The spouses I worked with, the soldiers that they loved, and the people in the community have left me forever changed. I just can't express what those relationships and experiences have meant to me.
We left Germany and went 'home' for six weeks and I got to be part of my natural family again for the first time in years and oh how I missed them. The people who know me as "Messy Jessi" and remember the girl who loved books more than anything in the world. I could feel my absence from the previous years, and suddenly I didn't know what made sense anymore. One foot in one world and one foot in another. I thought nothing would feel stranger than living on American soil in a foreign country but I was wrong. I thought about how much would change between then and the next visit and realized the reality of not being there. I love our Army life but it comes at a price.
I feel conflicted sometimes being incredibly happy and having a sadness deep down......but I think the sadness makes the happiness possible. I wouldn't appreciate so many little things if I hadn't felt their absence. Culture shock goes far beyond forgetting there's 24hr Wal Marts and entertaining commercials. Now the most beautiful sight in the world is my husband asleep on the couch, it sat empty for so long I can't help but smile when he takes up half of it even if I can't wake him up to come to bed. I see it in the girls too. Daddy leaving means a lot more now, when will Daddy come back? Daddy I love you and having you home, Daddy I'll miss you while you're in the field. They have learned to appreciate. They ask when we will go back to Maryland, when is Grammy/Gran-Gran/Uncle Russell/Uncle Steve coming to visit? When will Miss Amanda and Layla move to the states? Can we visit Chloe in Colorado? The best things in life don't come easily. I'm so proud of those girls I could cry. They give meaning to every tear I've shed and every smile I've forced. I couldn't be happier. I am so full.
Welcome, Welcome
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It only took 2 weeks into 2012 before it began to shine as a wonderful year. My husband returned from Afghanistan. This being our 2nd deployment, we had gone through reintegration once before. It was tough, much tougher than I had anticipated. So naturally this time I held my breath a little.....prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best. Hope won out. While we're still in the reintegration phase, this time is going so smooth. Last time I knew things weren't going so great from the very beginning. I'm not sure if we've grown since last time, or if it's just experience helping us out. I like to think it's a little of both.
There will be a lot of welcoming in store for us this year.....and also good byes. Just after we finish sailing through the reintegration phase, we'll be preparing to leave Germany, our first duty station. I am excited to go back to America, back to my home. But there is much I leave behind in Germany too, I am grateful for all I have experienced here, the memories and friends made will not soon be forgotten (some never will be).
It's the before transition that reminds me why this life is so well suited for us. We are excited to move on, excited for a new place and new experiences, all of us, even the girls. We have all enjoyed living in Germany, I sit and admire the strength and adaptability of our little family. Living overseas and going through 2 deployments and really living the Army life here has gelled us together like a team.
Every ending is also anew beginning welcome new adventures, welcome to a new chapter in life.
There will be a lot of welcoming in store for us this year.....and also good byes. Just after we finish sailing through the reintegration phase, we'll be preparing to leave Germany, our first duty station. I am excited to go back to America, back to my home. But there is much I leave behind in Germany too, I am grateful for all I have experienced here, the memories and friends made will not soon be forgotten (some never will be).
It's the before transition that reminds me why this life is so well suited for us. We are excited to move on, excited for a new place and new experiences, all of us, even the girls. We have all enjoyed living in Germany, I sit and admire the strength and adaptability of our little family. Living overseas and going through 2 deployments and really living the Army life here has gelled us together like a team.
Every ending is also anew beginning welcome new adventures, welcome to a new chapter in life.
On The Cusp
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There is something about the end of a deployment that is a paradox. The end can feel so much longer than the rest of the deployment. You would think it would be easier since you are so much closer to being done. And as you start getting closer it is, because you can think I've done 285 days.........what's 65 more? Or whatever the numbers are.
But right at the end, right as you are on top of that homecoming, suddenly emotions flood you. Little things become big deals, you're nervous, excited, sad, and irritable all at the same time. It's a surge of emotion that mirrors after the deployment first begins. I think at that point, when you're so close the waiting becomes unbearable and so a person might drum up things to distract them, things to be mad about, sad about, nervous about. Impossible deadlines for preparations (that the soldier rarely really cares about anyway). It's just so much pressure, and often fear of the unknown.
I was talking about it today with my husband and I told him I think it's that you put so much emotion away so you can cope during the whole of the deployment that when you get close to the end, it all starts hitting you at once. I know last time he came home I wasn't school girl giddy the days leading up, I actually found something trivial to be overly angry about. My feelings weren't so harsh when it was time to get him but when I did get him, I didn't feel that 'honeymoon' feeling. I wasn't floating in the way I thought I would be. I suddenly just felt hugely relieved, like a huge weight was taken off of me.
Then comes the work. Yes a deployment is work, but it's work you can settle into and move with. Post deployment is a different kind of work. You have to reconcile with what was, what happened and what is. You have to merge 2 worlds again, 2 worlds that are forever altered in some way. It's usually not very easy, and often quite a bumpy ride. Time, patience and honesty are your best friends in that process. There is little else that will truly help.
For more on the emotional cycle of deployments check this out:
http://www.military.com/spouse/content/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/emotional-cycle-of-deployment-military-family.html
Though filled with it's own challenges, being on the cusp is a set of challenges I think almost any military spouse of a deployed service member would gladly welcome. The only way out is through.
But right at the end, right as you are on top of that homecoming, suddenly emotions flood you. Little things become big deals, you're nervous, excited, sad, and irritable all at the same time. It's a surge of emotion that mirrors after the deployment first begins. I think at that point, when you're so close the waiting becomes unbearable and so a person might drum up things to distract them, things to be mad about, sad about, nervous about. Impossible deadlines for preparations (that the soldier rarely really cares about anyway). It's just so much pressure, and often fear of the unknown.
I was talking about it today with my husband and I told him I think it's that you put so much emotion away so you can cope during the whole of the deployment that when you get close to the end, it all starts hitting you at once. I know last time he came home I wasn't school girl giddy the days leading up, I actually found something trivial to be overly angry about. My feelings weren't so harsh when it was time to get him but when I did get him, I didn't feel that 'honeymoon' feeling. I wasn't floating in the way I thought I would be. I suddenly just felt hugely relieved, like a huge weight was taken off of me.
Then comes the work. Yes a deployment is work, but it's work you can settle into and move with. Post deployment is a different kind of work. You have to reconcile with what was, what happened and what is. You have to merge 2 worlds again, 2 worlds that are forever altered in some way. It's usually not very easy, and often quite a bumpy ride. Time, patience and honesty are your best friends in that process. There is little else that will truly help.
For more on the emotional cycle of deployments check this out:
http://www.military.com/spouse/content/military-deployment/dealing-with-deployment/emotional-cycle-of-deployment-military-family.html
Though filled with it's own challenges, being on the cusp is a set of challenges I think almost any military spouse of a deployed service member would gladly welcome. The only way out is through.
Count Your Blessings: How to keep a happy face.
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It's Christmas.
My husband's deployed, I'm in Germany.
I have 2 little girls that I need to make Christmas magical for......I have no family around me, many of my friends are busy welcoming their soldier home, or visiting family. There are soldiers coming home left and right that need a warm smile and welcome home that I help provide at every homecoming ceremony.
How do you keep that smile? How are you happy for others in the season of love when your love and family are no where near you and not on their way?
I keep getting asked 'how are you doing this?'
I'm not a saint, and trust me if you ask my husband jealousy is one of my big downfalls lol. I'd be lying if I said there was no sadness in me, that I didn't wish circumstances could be different. I wish I wasn't alone and trying to be all things at once, but wishing doesn't change what is.
Instead of thinking of all I don't have and what others might have that I don't, I choose to focus on what I do have. There is so much in life that we are not guaranteed. I could have so much less. My life could know so much more pain than it does. When I wake up in the morning there are 2 smiles, hugs and I love yous that greet me. I rarely go to the bathroom alone because I have a dog that loves me so much he won't leave my side.....ever. I have a warm bed, a kitchen full of food, presents under the tree and a bank account that's not in the red. Things could be worse. I could be away from my children, wife and family sleeping in a tent in a war zone for Christmas. I could have to walk around with 60+ pounds of gear on. I could live in a 3rd world country starving and sleeping in a shack. I could be making a visit to Arlington this Christmas to see a soldier I'll never be able to touch again. But I'm not. And for that I owe it to all those that are enduring those circumstances to be grateful. When I look at my life through those lenses not only does it not seem sad or lonely, it seems full of love and abundance.
When I see soldiers come home to their loved ones, that's just what I see.........soldiers coming home, I don't see mine NOT coming home. I see it for what it is, one less blessed soul in a war zone, one more Daddy there to hug his child, one more husband or wife home to hug their spouse, one more son or daughter out of harms way making it so their mother can sleep at night again.
Hearing about sad news and witnessing it makes me sad, so why would happy news and events not make me happy? There is more joy in a homecoming ceremony than I think I have ever experienced anywhere else. Even my daughters who don't really understand why it's not their Daddy and it's someone else's, even they can't help but smile and ask me every morning "Mommy are we going to get to go to another homecoming today?".
That in itself makes my heart swell. Count your blessings and you won't be able to keep the smile off of your face, I promise.
My husband's deployed, I'm in Germany.
I have 2 little girls that I need to make Christmas magical for......I have no family around me, many of my friends are busy welcoming their soldier home, or visiting family. There are soldiers coming home left and right that need a warm smile and welcome home that I help provide at every homecoming ceremony.
How do you keep that smile? How are you happy for others in the season of love when your love and family are no where near you and not on their way?
I keep getting asked 'how are you doing this?'
I'm not a saint, and trust me if you ask my husband jealousy is one of my big downfalls lol. I'd be lying if I said there was no sadness in me, that I didn't wish circumstances could be different. I wish I wasn't alone and trying to be all things at once, but wishing doesn't change what is.
Instead of thinking of all I don't have and what others might have that I don't, I choose to focus on what I do have. There is so much in life that we are not guaranteed. I could have so much less. My life could know so much more pain than it does. When I wake up in the morning there are 2 smiles, hugs and I love yous that greet me. I rarely go to the bathroom alone because I have a dog that loves me so much he won't leave my side.....ever. I have a warm bed, a kitchen full of food, presents under the tree and a bank account that's not in the red. Things could be worse. I could be away from my children, wife and family sleeping in a tent in a war zone for Christmas. I could have to walk around with 60+ pounds of gear on. I could live in a 3rd world country starving and sleeping in a shack. I could be making a visit to Arlington this Christmas to see a soldier I'll never be able to touch again. But I'm not. And for that I owe it to all those that are enduring those circumstances to be grateful. When I look at my life through those lenses not only does it not seem sad or lonely, it seems full of love and abundance.
When I see soldiers come home to their loved ones, that's just what I see.........soldiers coming home, I don't see mine NOT coming home. I see it for what it is, one less blessed soul in a war zone, one more Daddy there to hug his child, one more husband or wife home to hug their spouse, one more son or daughter out of harms way making it so their mother can sleep at night again.
Hearing about sad news and witnessing it makes me sad, so why would happy news and events not make me happy? There is more joy in a homecoming ceremony than I think I have ever experienced anywhere else. Even my daughters who don't really understand why it's not their Daddy and it's someone else's, even they can't help but smile and ask me every morning "Mommy are we going to get to go to another homecoming today?".
That in itself makes my heart swell. Count your blessings and you won't be able to keep the smile off of your face, I promise.
I'm Just Tired
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So Christmas is coming. We just had Thanksgiving so that's a sure sign. I've been looking forward to Christmas since Jason left before spring began. It's the last big thing before we get to start gearing up for him to return. The Christmas season for me marks the beginning of the end. I've been telling the girls for months, after Christmas, then we can start getting excited for Daddy to come home.
But I'm not all that excited for Christmas. It's not a 'bah humbug' feeling. I don't want Christmas to go away or anything, I know how to have cheer and find happiness when my husband isn't here (doesn't stop me from missing him but sadly life does move on). The thought of decorations, shopping, presents, parties, dinners and friends makes me smile. The idea of Christmas coming and happening makes me very happy. The work involved to create the atmosphere, well, does not. Christmas as a single parent is a lot of work, it's a lot of work when there are 2 parents around actually. Christmas as a married but single spouse of a deployed soldier I think is even more work. I have all the kid/Christmas stuff here at home to do alone and I need to bake, wrap and send stuff to Afghanistan as well.....and being overseas I have to wrap and send back home to the states too. Not to mention trying to pull off a few nice things for my friends and fellow spouses here too. I want to do all of these things, but all of these things and normal life things and it being the last stretch of this deployment has me thinking.......can we just go buy ourselves stuff and call it a day?? It's not that my heart isn't happy, it's just that I'm tired.
Kinda feel like this:
The new me (well the evolving me at least)
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I think deployments mirror pregnancies in so many ways lol. No seriously. This time I'm reminded of the similarities in that each one is the same, (husband goes to war) yet feels so very different.
Last deployment, I wrote.....and wrote. I wrote and spilled out so many feelings and emotions that I felt the need to start a diary blog to contain it all. I also wrote publicly on a blog as well as on myspace and facebook accounts, not to mention my favorite online forum- Army Wife Chat (marriedtothearmy.com).
This time is different. I walked into this round with open eyes. Unlike last time I knew how cold the water would be, everything about this life was no longer new. I had my footing. I vowed to try and keep my emotions more under control and to always give the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst in a variety of situations (mostly the 'why hasn't he talked to me? he must not think I'm important' lol).
I have done something else different too, much to my surprise. I have lost weight, not just a few pounds, but like all the 'baby' weight I've been carrying around for 8 years. Today I officially hit 30 pounds gone. Though I'm not quite all the way back to the pre-baby me (that's not even possible after 10+ lb babies lol) I'm no longer over weight. I'd like to say that exercise and doing something positive for myself has helped me wrangle the emotional craziness inside me, but to be completely honest, I think it went the other way around. Concentrating on my emotional health and doing my best to not let negativity run away with me, finally let me love myself enough to be healthier, and more fit.
It's a different kind of loneliness to make such personal progress.......alone. I do share my triumphs with my husband but it's just not the same. In one hand, it's my journey with or without him here. But in the other it feels like I've shut him out of part of me since he's not here to share it? I'm still sorting it out. My inner optimist says this reintegration will be better because of the new me instead of harder. I hope she's right.
Last deployment, I wrote.....and wrote. I wrote and spilled out so many feelings and emotions that I felt the need to start a diary blog to contain it all. I also wrote publicly on a blog as well as on myspace and facebook accounts, not to mention my favorite online forum- Army Wife Chat (marriedtothearmy.com).
This time is different. I walked into this round with open eyes. Unlike last time I knew how cold the water would be, everything about this life was no longer new. I had my footing. I vowed to try and keep my emotions more under control and to always give the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst in a variety of situations (mostly the 'why hasn't he talked to me? he must not think I'm important' lol).
I have done something else different too, much to my surprise. I have lost weight, not just a few pounds, but like all the 'baby' weight I've been carrying around for 8 years. Today I officially hit 30 pounds gone. Though I'm not quite all the way back to the pre-baby me (that's not even possible after 10+ lb babies lol) I'm no longer over weight. I'd like to say that exercise and doing something positive for myself has helped me wrangle the emotional craziness inside me, but to be completely honest, I think it went the other way around. Concentrating on my emotional health and doing my best to not let negativity run away with me, finally let me love myself enough to be healthier, and more fit.
It's a different kind of loneliness to make such personal progress.......alone. I do share my triumphs with my husband but it's just not the same. In one hand, it's my journey with or without him here. But in the other it feels like I've shut him out of part of me since he's not here to share it? I'm still sorting it out. My inner optimist says this reintegration will be better because of the new me instead of harder. I hope she's right.
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