Tell Your Story

I'm a sexual abuse survivor. 

Those are words not many people say out loud too often. I did not say those words for many years. Not because it wasn’t true, but because they were too difficult to put together.

I somehow thought if I never said it, if I never thought about it, then it never happened.
I was doing myself a great injustice thinking that way.

I knew healing had taken place when I could speak about it, my voice would no longer catch, and the words no longer got caught in my throat.

Accepting what happened was a part of what made me who I am today and brought me to be able to say, “I’m a survivor.”

The word in that sen- tence that stands out to me is “survivor.”
When I say I’m a sexual abuse survivor, not only am I no longer ashamed, I’m proud.

Not everyone knows how much he or she can endure and still walk away, but I do. I know I’m a survivor. That is a gift, regardless of how I received it. Healing and acceptance can be a long journey after sexual abuse. Forgiveness precedes them both. 

It is an emotionally taxing road. I think that is why it’s easier to forget, to pretend it never happened.

But I found it wasn’t possible to simply forget. It ate at me, warped parts of my life and parts of my soul because that experience was a part of me, whether I liked it or not. The first step in the journey to healing is talking. Sexual abuse is actually very common. I think one reason it continues is because we don’t talk about it. 

It doesn’t have to be a professional that you talk to, although it certainly can be. It doesn’t even have to be a loved one or a close friend. It just needs to be someone who will listen to the story.

If you have a story, tell it. Tell it over and over again, until you no longer feel the need. 

Each telling is one step closer to forgiveness, one step closer to acceptance and one step closer to healing.

I am proud of who I am today, and I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t been through everything I’ve been through.

Carl Jung once wrote: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

That is how I look at my sexual abuse. It happened to me, but it does not define me.

My ability to survive and heal is what defines me. I had no control over the abuse taking place, but I do have control over how I react to it. I can either choose to let it continue to hurt me, or I can choose to use it as a stepping stone.

There are many resources available to sexual abuse survivors; even just starting a conversation in an online forum can begin a path to healing.

As a writer, I found writing out my experience and my feel- ings to people who had been in similar situations was the most healing. Online forums were a wonderful tool for me.

No matter the severity of the act, abuse is abuse; no one should pretend it didn’t happen because it wasn’t bad enough.

Many resources for sexual abuse survivors can be found at www.rainn.org. 

For Sexual Harassment Assault Response and Prevention support, locally and at Fort Riley, call 785-307-9338. Military Family Life consul- tants also can be reached at 785-221-9483.

I hope all sexual abuse survivors can one day make the statement with a sense of pride behind the words, instead of shame. 

(This commentary appeared in the April 11 edition of the First Infantry Division Post, which can be accessed at: http://thedailyunion.epaperflip.com/1st-Infantry-Division-Post/2014-04-11/)

To love...

I remember the first Valentine's Day I knew my husband, we were not quite an exclusive couple yet and I had a terrible day.

I left work that evening to find a teddy bear and chocolate in my car from him. That was just one of probably a million thoughtful things he has done in an effort to make me smile over the years. I can probably count the 'romantic' things on my fingers lol, but they usually aren't the things that have meant the most anyway.

I remember quite clearly being so touched when he randomly paid for my gas for me (you know back when you still had to go inside to do it lol) back when we were just dating and still in high school. And when he went through roles of film (yup digital cameras were still very new) taking the same picture of me smiling in the hospital over and over again after Jazlyn was born.  They are terrible photos of me, yet he loves every one of them.

Those little moments he likely thought very little of at the time, yet they have reflected who he really is and how he really feels deep down. I wish everyone could experience a love like that at least once in their lifetime, I believe it would have the power to change the world. I know it has had the power to make me a better person.

To love is not to make grand gestures. To love is to want to put in the effort grand gestures require. The effort is the part that matters, not the gesture. Real love effort can show up in many ways, may we all see it when it does, especially today.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Going big for balance

Last year I chose a theme for the upcoming year for the first time in my life.

It was unintentional at first, I was contemplating trying to graduate with my associate's degree by the end of the year (2013) and I asked my trusty facebook friends if I should go big? The response was 'go big or go home' and deep down I knew I agreed. So I went big and signed up for as many classes as I was allowed to take.

Whenever I felt I had too much piled on top of me I'd just silently remind myself that I was going big and it would be worth it. I even used  hash tags on twitter. #GoingBigIn2013 #PriceOfGoingBigIn2013

I managed to maintain a 4.0, and 6 months into the year I felt that going big in 2013 was pretty successful. I saw my graduation on the horizon.

Without realizing it though I had limited my notion of going big to my school work.......the purpose for going to school is generally to be able to work the job of your choosing.

Half way through 2013, that job fell into my lap (well at least nearby). And I had a decision to make.....do I go for it and abandon my ever so close finish line of graduation? Or do I stay the course since I had already made up my mind that I would get my associates degree and then start job searching again.

So I went big.


And again it paid off, and now I'm doing a job in a feild I actually want to pursue. Not just a job, but a career.

I'm not going to say that everything that happened this year was a direct result of my declarative theme for the year, but I certainly think having a focus for my energy made a significant impact.

Going big required a lot of sacrifices (like sleep, housework), which I felt was worth it in order to quickly acheieve a substantial goal. However my situation is different going into 2014.

Many signs in my life in the past few months have pointed to the fact that I need to find balance. Both inner and outer. I've always been pretty good at going for something with reckless abdandon, but I've struggled with maintaining once I get there.

So that will be my theme going into this next year. Balance. Accomplishments are great but I want to concentrate on enjoying my life whlie also working hard. I have many years ahead of me in which I need to keep working, going to school and enjoy my daughters while they are still growing.

In true irony that only life could throw at me, I will likely be through with all of my studies when my girls are through with being at home. I feel like this keeps coming up for me because it is a lesson I need to learn. I intend to get to it in 2014.

So I've went big, now I'm going to try to bring more balance into my life.

Cheers!

Onward.....

Never ignore what your intuition is saying to you.  Just when I thought I had imagined the feeling of spring bringing something new......something new found it's way to me.

So I was right, in a far different way than I would've thought.  I figured the change would come through Jason somehow.  The change came through me, and as a planner I wasn't expecting that because well I had laid out my plans through the rest of the year, doing as much school work as possible lol.  Seems like life enjoys changing my well laid out plans, but not much happens until I make plans either so I guess I need to remember to stay flexible.

Late spring/early summer I learned of a job opening and felt it was something I should try for, and again my intuition was correct as I am now gainfully employed as a reporter for the local newspaper.

I searched for a job for about 4 months and with zero feedback I decided to do something else and take advantage of a scholarship program through a local community college.  At first I just took a couple classes and tried to keep looking for a job.  Then I started doing the math on credits and decided to dive in head first and take as many classes as possible and gave up the job search.

To my pleasant surprise I didn't lose my knack for academics and made the president's list.  Life changed with so much homework to be done, I got a lot less sleep, and did a lot less housework lol.

Then this job fell into my lap and life is taking another upside down turn.  And this isn't just a job.....it's the first (paid) step in a career path that I've been carefully contemplating for a very long time.  Now that I'm a reporter I'm still a little astonished that I'm being paid to write.  I'm not making a ton of money, but it's still more than I've ever made before.

To make it even more unbelievable I work with an office of really supportive and nice people.  I generally spend much of my time feeling like this is a great job, and feeling like I'm not quite up to par lol.

Then there is the dance of working mom.  Though in truth I haven't been a real stay at home mom in a few years.  I was volunteering full time and then going to school more than full time so juggling a family and other work isn't new to me.  However before, everything I did was optional.  If I really didn't want to go and do something I didn't have to.  If my kids were sick I could prioritize accordingly.  This job does have a great amount of flexibility to it which just adds to a long list of things I love about it but it's still a job.  Showing up isn't really optional if I want to keep it and if I want to cultivate a career.

I cannot remember  very many times I took advantage of the optional aspect of volunteering or school lol but it was nice knowing that option was there.  No matter how hard I try to be a 'modern woman' deep down I still feel the kids are MY responsibility in the end.  Though the more I let go of that the more my terrific husband steps in, and he does it with no complaints.  So it's clearly an issue I have, not one that's being imposed on me.

Two weeks into my job and I'm tired, feel like I'm struggling to tread water, but I'm also learning a ton.  I feel like I'm getting the nuts and bolts down, but I'll feel better when I'm working on the more advanced aspects of the job.  Baby steps right?

Something New.....

Spring.


It seems my big life changes happen in the spring.  It was in the spring that I first moved out on my own.  And it was in the spring when I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  It was in the spring my husband left to sign up for the Army, and it was in the spring that we found out we were moving overseas.


Spring always feels like possibilities to me.  I love the fall, but spring is my favorite.  It just seems to hint at what could be.  It reminds me that there is more potential to be harnessed.


And so this is how I'm feeling this spring as it is just barely getting started.  Life is about to change.  I'm not really sure exactly how yet, but I feel it coming.


Welcome spring.

So Full

This blog entry has been started and abandoned over a dozen times.  Some things are just too close to your heart I guess, even for me.

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important onces. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to… No matter how it comes out, I have to write it."

- Sylvia Plath

As the year comes to a close and the holidays are upon us I think it's the perfect time to reflect on the last year.  So much has happened, but at the end of every year I feel like that I guess lol.  The year started off with Jason coming home, long awaited through many other homecomings, it was finally ours.  Things have gone better than well this time around, none of my fears have been realized, I don't think I've ever been happier.  My life is so full, my family is whole, we are back in the US, the girls are thriving and I'm going back to school.  It feels like a dream some days.  

I am a reactive person, I have to let things happen before I can deal with them, usually in the middle of everything I am numb and on auto pilot, only to have a flood of emotion days, weeks, or months later, pending how big the reaction is.  So many great things have happened this year and not to be repetitive but the greatest is having Jason home.  It's like I forgot how loud his absence was until now when he's here.  The simplest things, like pulling out the Christmas decorations are so strikingly different with him here, and I realize it's because he wasn't here last time and his presence just fills up all the empty space that was there before.  He connects all of the strings between us, completing our home and our family.  I can't even really properly describe it.

Yet as full as my life feels there are these dark empty places in my heart.  I left not one but two families behind this year. I had to say good bye twice to people I love enough to do anything for.  The first being my first generation Army family.  As I am getting to know my second generation Army family I ache for the ones I left behind.  Germany was such a transformation for me.  I didn't come back the same person.  I also left part of my heart there.  The spouses I worked with, the soldiers that they loved, and the people in the community have left me forever changed.  I just can't express what those relationships and experiences have meant to me.  

We left Germany and went 'home' for six weeks and I got to be part of my natural family again for the first time in years and oh how I missed them.  The people who know me as "Messy Jessi" and remember the girl who loved books more than anything in the world.  I could feel my absence from the previous years, and suddenly I didn't know what made sense anymore.  One foot in one world and one foot in another.  I thought nothing would feel stranger than living on American soil in a foreign country but I was wrong.  I thought about how much would change between then and the next visit and realized the reality of not being there.  I love our Army life but it comes at a price.

I feel conflicted sometimes being incredibly happy and having a sadness deep down......but I think the sadness makes the happiness possible.  I wouldn't appreciate so many little things if I hadn't felt their absence. Culture shock goes far beyond forgetting there's 24hr Wal Marts and entertaining commercials.   Now the most beautiful sight in the world is my husband asleep on the couch, it sat empty for so long I can't help but smile when he takes up half of it even if I can't wake him up to come to bed.  I see it in the girls too.  Daddy leaving means a lot more now, when will Daddy come back?  Daddy I love you and having you home, Daddy I'll miss you while you're in the field.  They have learned to appreciate.  They ask when we will go back to Maryland, when is Grammy/Gran-Gran/Uncle Russell/Uncle Steve coming to visit?  When will Miss Amanda and Layla move to the states?  Can we visit Chloe in Colorado?  The best things in life don't come easily.  I'm so proud of those girls I could cry.  They give meaning to every tear I've shed and every smile I've forced.  I couldn't be happier.  I am so full.

Welcome, Welcome

It only took 2 weeks into 2012 before it began to shine as a wonderful year.  My husband returned from Afghanistan.  This being our 2nd deployment, we had gone through reintegration once before.  It was tough, much tougher than I had anticipated.  So naturally this time I held my breath a little.....prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best.  Hope won out.  While we're still in the reintegration phase, this time is going so smooth.  Last time I knew things weren't going so great from the very beginning.  I'm not sure if we've grown since last time, or if it's just experience helping us out.  I like to think it's a little of both.

There will be a lot of welcoming in store for us this year.....and also good byes.  Just after we finish sailing through the reintegration phase, we'll be preparing to leave Germany, our first duty station.  I am excited to go back to America, back to my home.  But there is much I leave behind in Germany too, I am grateful for all I have experienced here, the memories and friends made will not soon be forgotten (some never will be).

It's the before transition that reminds me why this life is so well suited for us.  We are excited to move on, excited for a new place and new experiences, all of us, even the girls.  We have all enjoyed living in Germany, I sit and admire the strength and adaptability of our little family.  Living overseas and going through 2 deployments and really living the Army life here has gelled us together like a team.

Every ending is also anew beginning welcome new adventures, welcome to a new chapter in life.