Tell Your Story

I'm a sexual abuse survivor. 

Those are words not many people say out loud too often. I did not say those words for many years. Not because it wasn’t true, but because they were too difficult to put together.

I somehow thought if I never said it, if I never thought about it, then it never happened.
I was doing myself a great injustice thinking that way.

I knew healing had taken place when I could speak about it, my voice would no longer catch, and the words no longer got caught in my throat.

Accepting what happened was a part of what made me who I am today and brought me to be able to say, “I’m a survivor.”

The word in that sen- tence that stands out to me is “survivor.”
When I say I’m a sexual abuse survivor, not only am I no longer ashamed, I’m proud.

Not everyone knows how much he or she can endure and still walk away, but I do. I know I’m a survivor. That is a gift, regardless of how I received it. Healing and acceptance can be a long journey after sexual abuse. Forgiveness precedes them both. 

It is an emotionally taxing road. I think that is why it’s easier to forget, to pretend it never happened.

But I found it wasn’t possible to simply forget. It ate at me, warped parts of my life and parts of my soul because that experience was a part of me, whether I liked it or not. The first step in the journey to healing is talking. Sexual abuse is actually very common. I think one reason it continues is because we don’t talk about it. 

It doesn’t have to be a professional that you talk to, although it certainly can be. It doesn’t even have to be a loved one or a close friend. It just needs to be someone who will listen to the story.

If you have a story, tell it. Tell it over and over again, until you no longer feel the need. 

Each telling is one step closer to forgiveness, one step closer to acceptance and one step closer to healing.

I am proud of who I am today, and I wouldn’t be who I am if I hadn’t been through everything I’ve been through.

Carl Jung once wrote: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

That is how I look at my sexual abuse. It happened to me, but it does not define me.

My ability to survive and heal is what defines me. I had no control over the abuse taking place, but I do have control over how I react to it. I can either choose to let it continue to hurt me, or I can choose to use it as a stepping stone.

There are many resources available to sexual abuse survivors; even just starting a conversation in an online forum can begin a path to healing.

As a writer, I found writing out my experience and my feel- ings to people who had been in similar situations was the most healing. Online forums were a wonderful tool for me.

No matter the severity of the act, abuse is abuse; no one should pretend it didn’t happen because it wasn’t bad enough.

Many resources for sexual abuse survivors can be found at www.rainn.org. 

For Sexual Harassment Assault Response and Prevention support, locally and at Fort Riley, call 785-307-9338. Military Family Life consul- tants also can be reached at 785-221-9483.

I hope all sexual abuse survivors can one day make the statement with a sense of pride behind the words, instead of shame. 

(This commentary appeared in the April 11 edition of the First Infantry Division Post, which can be accessed at: http://thedailyunion.epaperflip.com/1st-Infantry-Division-Post/2014-04-11/)

To love...

I remember the first Valentine's Day I knew my husband, we were not quite an exclusive couple yet and I had a terrible day.

I left work that evening to find a teddy bear and chocolate in my car from him. That was just one of probably a million thoughtful things he has done in an effort to make me smile over the years. I can probably count the 'romantic' things on my fingers lol, but they usually aren't the things that have meant the most anyway.

I remember quite clearly being so touched when he randomly paid for my gas for me (you know back when you still had to go inside to do it lol) back when we were just dating and still in high school. And when he went through roles of film (yup digital cameras were still very new) taking the same picture of me smiling in the hospital over and over again after Jazlyn was born.  They are terrible photos of me, yet he loves every one of them.

Those little moments he likely thought very little of at the time, yet they have reflected who he really is and how he really feels deep down. I wish everyone could experience a love like that at least once in their lifetime, I believe it would have the power to change the world. I know it has had the power to make me a better person.

To love is not to make grand gestures. To love is to want to put in the effort grand gestures require. The effort is the part that matters, not the gesture. Real love effort can show up in many ways, may we all see it when it does, especially today.

Happy Valentine's Day!